To be honest I have struggling with some doubt lately, it’s a nasty little thing that likes to creep up on me every now and then. This doubt has effected not only how I see myself but also my testimony.
About two years ago, I wrote list of sixty things that made me, me because God needed me to see that it is important for me to confident in who I am, so that I can write with confidence. This list included things like: I have never broken a bone, I don’t like cherries, the fact that I think pennies are gross, and that my favorite movie is My Fellow Americans. God helped me to see that none of these “me-isms” are anything to be ashamed of and should be embraced. However, self-doubt can again strike at any time, and it did for me a couple of weeks ago. I got to thinking about my…favorite movie, for example, and why its not something like Gone with the Wind or The Sound of Music. Or that why my favorite Star Wars movie is not Episode VI or Episode IV like most people. Why do I think that pennies are gross? Pennies are just money…ugh…disgusting money.
This doubting session necessitated another list of things that make me, me. This one included that fact that I think that Tobey Maguire makes a better Spiderman than Andrew Garfield, that I don’t know how to make brownies (and I never intend to learn), that in the Iliad I like Hector better than Achilles, and I’m scared of Ferris Wheels. All things that make me, me, yet all things that I could easily keep to myself, out of fear that they are not “mainstream” enough.
This self-doubt also wormed its way into doubt in my testimony. Yesterday at Bible study, we discussed testimony and witness, some characteristics of each and what they look like. I left feeling a little deflated because my testimony is nothing like what was described. Its not the average Christian testimony of having a more mature believer come into your life, and speak words that are life changing. I had Christian influence and positive role models in my life. At the time that God got a hold my heart again, we going to a great Church and had wonderful Christian friends. But my faith still sat on the surface and could easily be whisked away at anytime.
What finally reached me and shook me to my core, was watching a talented young Jedi with so much to live for tear his life apart piece, by piece. I saw so much of myself in Anakin, I had pride, I was impatient, I had anger and fear. I was slowly building up walls between me and the people closest to me, just like he was, with out really realizing it. Because of that revelation, I finally recognized that I am second, and everything changed for the better. I love Anakin’s story, because of how it ends and, because of how much God has taught me through it. This testimony is not average, it is not one that is likely to get written on a white board, but it is what God chose for me. And I can’t imagine me without it. This journey has taught me so much about myself, and encouraged me to be more confident in who I am. I have also been shown God’s character, nature, and just how amazing He is, in a way that I had never realized before.
Are you having doubts? If so, let me encourage you to trust in God, His ways and His timing. God doesn’t make mistakes. If you have a testimony be proud of it, because it is what God chose for you. If you don’t have a testimony yet, and your still figuring out this “Jesus thing”. It is my prayer that your heart will be soft and your mind open to the voice of the Spirit, because you never know what He may use to bring you to Him. It says in Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”